Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.