Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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I’m having an out of money experience.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.