You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Ape together strong
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!