my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”