after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I enjoy a good short stor
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!