Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.