They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain