[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I love the honesty
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
LA today:
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.