So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
You Might Also Like
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Remember folks 😂
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Oh thanks BBC.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…