Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer