I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
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Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!