Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush