If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?