Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.