What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
wow
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Seems legit
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler