every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔