giddy up Office Depot
You Might Also Like
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.