LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.