rise and shine we got egg
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce