Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.