Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Terribly Tuesday.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently