Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Speak now or ever hold your peace
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
when there are deer in the woods
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?