I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.