launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not