HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.