*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them