I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*