*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Does beer think about me too?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!