Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: