The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it