Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
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after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
How your email finds me
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I want this so bad
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*