[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one