American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
You Might Also Like
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit