If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks