I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
some Old Testament wisdom
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules