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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Midwest trash talk
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Just me and my debit card against the world
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.