I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Happy thanksgiving!
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.