Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.