Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The Friday File.
Me, in DM rooms…
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.