What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
You Might Also Like
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Lmao
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality