The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.