Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial