relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.