Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?