When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this