All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Proctology is located in A55
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?