So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I forgot how to panic. Help
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.