In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.