Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
A wise man once said nothing.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*