*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.